Am I captive on a carousel of time?

I don't like that determinism word, I really don't. To me, it implies a loss of control over my future, a handing over of the reins to some unseen being. I have to believe there's more than that to life, that I have some say in how the older me is going to turn out. But every now and then, things happen- sometimes big, sometimes small, and sometimes in combination- that make me think the other option might be a valid possibility.

Take the work that I'm doing, writing and being at a garden store. A couple days around plants to expend a fraction of this energy I have and I'm ready to hang out inside. And a couple of days in front of the computer makes me antsy and more than ready to be back outside, getting dirty and sweaty. It's a balance I'd never imagined my life could have- equal stimulation between the emotional, physical and intellectual.

And so far, everything I've done and everyone I've met point to yes. Yes, I'm making the right decision(s) for the future. Yes, I'm going in a direction that both fulfills and interests me. And yes, I'm getting to know people who bring out the characteristics in me that need to see the light of day (even if I'm not always so crazy about it).

Yesterday, I was at Stratford to see Blithe Spirit and just had to check out The Church Restaurant ever since I'd read about it (extensively) in Timothy Findley's Spadework. Mark, the proprietor, was delightful and charming, and even took the time to show me the alcove where Findley and many others would sit and eat when they "had business to do." Last week when I was here, I had an incredibly meta moment as I enjoyed a glass of Riesling and read Spadework in the Down the Street Bar and Restaurant (also a major figure in the book). And as I sat there, I wondered, as I often do, how the hell I arrived at this point. Questions crept into my mind as they always do, questions like, Why does nobody really say no to me?, How the hell am I getting all these opportunities?, When does the rainbow end?, and How do I keep this ride going?

I've been told I over-analyze matters too intently, but I disagree. However, in this case, I think that for just one night, I'm going to lay off the navel-gazing and just soak in the moment.