Don't eat when reading- you may choke: Part II

On Boxing Day last year, I wrote a post about the ridiculous writing jobs floating around on the internet. Well, I've come across more gems, so here they are. Enjoy!

Proofread Ebook
Fixed Price Project - Est. Budget $10

HI,

I need 10,000 word ebook proofread with track changes.

Pay:- $10

Deadline:- 2 days

Thanks

(So, at $10 for 10,000 words, that's $1/1,000 words. And at an average reading speed of about 300 wpm—never mind actually editing the document—that works out to 33.3 pages/minutes to proofread...but we all know the project will take longer that)

Song transcribed to 2 mallet marimba solo w/ acc
Fixed Price Project - Est. Budget $60.00

I am looking for someone that has experience transcribing for marimba
I have a 4:06 minute mp3 and a midi file and i need it made into sheet music for a 2 mallet marimba solo with piano accompaniment

(First of all, does this person have any idea of how complex music transcription actually is? A simple song like "Twinkle, Twinkle" is piddly cakes, but this job definitely doesn't fall under that category.)

500 Simple sentences based on a subject I will give you
Fixed Price Project - Est. Budget $5

What I want is about 500 sentences based on a sales pitch I will send.

For example ;

Check out this amazing website at : Ever tough
Ever thought of working from home? Check that out : Ever tough

I need 500 unique sentences if they are good and you have more ideas than 500 I could hire you for more the more the better as long as they are unique :)

(This ad has got to be one of the worst I've ever seen. Most garbage projects I see pay a minimum of $1/500 words, but say sentences are an average of 10-ish words: that works out to $5/5,000 words.)

Erotica Novelette Writers Wanted (Adult Content)
Fixed Price Project - Est. Budget $25.00

I'm looking for talented erotica writers who are able to conceive, outline, and execute a top notch erotica novelette of 7,500+ words.

All content needs to be original. This will be checked before the work will be accepted. Also, we reserve the right to reject any work that does not meet our requirements.

I wish to see samples of your written work.

(I did the math; this is about 23 pages, or just over $1/page. And unless you're brimming with erotica ideas like South Park's Mr. Garrison, the research and outline formulation means the price drops down to something like a half dollar a page.)

Article writing
Fixed Price Project - Est. Budget $10.00

I need professional writers who can deliver high quality materials. Also, dedicated to work ten hours a day and do not miss deadline. If you can write 5-10 articles a day, please feel free to apply. Provide your skype id now and we interview you ASAP.

(I'm sorry, but who in their right mind would accept working for $10/day when the workday is 10h long? I just can't hold back the disgust or snarkiness on this one...)

5* Ongoing Writer 2
Fixed Price Project - Est. Budget $5.00

Earn 5* and get work every day!

Hi! I'm looking to add some more writers to the team. I have as much work as you can handle and am looking for dependable, long-term contractors. Payment is issued every Monday for all approved work completed during that period.

I have a general guideline for you to follow and will give you instructions for each assignment. Required turnaround time is usually 24-48 hours.

If you complete the assignment by following the directions and return it by the due date, you will be paid.

I check each article with Copyscape.

We pay $5 for 10 articles. Articles over 500 words count as two for payment. You will be expected to write a minimum of 5 articles per week. Your pay will increase regularly as the company grows.

For the FIRST LINE of your application, please state that you agree to the payment terms.

To apply, and to demonstrate your written English skills, please write a 150-word summary of your favorite book, movie, television show, etc. as your cover letter. Your English does not have to be 100% perfect, but the better your English, the better your chances are of being hired. Copied summaries will disqualify you automatically.

No upfront payment bids please.

Thanks!
Steve

(But Steve, with no upfront payment bids, how am I guaranteed to see my 50 cents per article? I just can't risk that kind of money, nosiree).

Until the next batch of most ridiculous writing jobs out there, adieu!