This is, literally, like the worst thing EVER

This Thursday will mark six weeks of the first time I ever broke a bone in my life. For over 28 years, I ran, biked, tumbled, flew, fell, skied, skated and sailed through life without a second thought for how my aggressive and risk-taking nature could possibly affect me. Sure, there were stitches and sprains, and more than just a few cuts and abrasions, but they were relatively few and far between.

Now, this fracture is the big mother of all injuries I've ever suffered, and it's not something I've handled easily at all. Each day is brutally tough because of the rollercoaster of emotions I go through. When I wake up, I'm never ready to start the day right away, and it takes me a couple hours to get into the swing of things. Once that's out of the way and I settle into work, I'm constantly reminded of the little things I used to be able do: run up the stairs two at a time, stand for long periods of time without wobbling, and even just going to the bathroom without needing crutches. Life was...normal.

Life isn't normal anymore, and it effin' sucks. Something as simple as going to get a sub means I feel like I've just sprinted around the block, and I seriously consider going out if it means another cab fare (they're adding up) or walking more than I can handle there and back.

I'm angry so much during the day, I have trouble falling asleep, and pain wakes me up either in the middle of the night or at the crack of dawn — and then keeps me up for several hours. I feel like a zombie for the first half of the day, and sometimes that feeling doesn't go away at all. It'd be easier to just nap for the entire day and then go to sleep at the end, but I have work to do and it keeps piling up in front of me.

And when I go out in public, I have to put on my good face and pretend like everything's well and getting better.

It's not.

I want to tell people, 'Do you have any idea of the massive effort it took to shower, get work done, and then physically get myself out of the house, only to sit still for something when all I can focus on is what an uncomfortable position my leg is in?' I've canceled plans more than I ever would have liked to, have had to say no to things that would have been really cool, and just feel old way before my time.

It'll be six weeks on Thursday, but it feels like a year already.