Finally getting the whole picture

I try — admittedly, with not much effort because not much is needed — to stay away from the pop drivel that's played on the radio but occasionally a song will catch my ear. One of them was Lorde's "Royals", but since I've heard it sung by a sad clown dressed all in white, I have to say that version fits the mood and lyrics of the song much better.

It also fits my mood much better. I've been in a bit of a funk since Monday when I got my MRI results. While my physiotherapist had roughly pinpointed was still wrong with my knee and I could feel it everyday, the MRI results put everything in black and white. Now, there's no sliver of hope left that maybe the odd feeling in my knee will fade away over time and that what I'm feeling is just a remnant of the healing process. Nope. My injury officially started the clock ticking on premature problems and now the window for agility and spryness just got a whole lot smaller.

Despite that, I wouldn't change getting the MRI results. From the beginning, one of the things that frustrated me most was not getting a crystal clear image of just what the inside of my knee looked like. I called multiple orthopedic surgeons only to be told I'd have to wait months for an appointment; when I saw one OS, she manipulated my knee a bit, proclaimed it to be fine, and told me to call her if I had pain. During all that, I knew that wasn't the case and that more was going on than any of us had access to. It was like I and everyone who helped treat me held one piece of a jigsaw puzzle with the centre piece missing, and without that piece, I couldn't get a full idea of the situation.

So, it's a bit of Pyrrhic victory, getting the MRI results. Most of me wanted to know everything that was going on, but a tiny part of me wanted to stay in the dark because that way, nothing yet was quite real.

Now it is.